I'm not Irish, nor am I going to pretend to be.

I hate St. Patty's day. Really, I hate all holidays based on virtually nothing except somebody died, which if you consider, is almost all of them. St. Patty's day is especially stupid. Let's consider the man in question. Personally, if a country enslaved me for almost a decade, I wouldn't be in a big rush to head back there once I was freed, and yet Patrick did. He was really into shamrocks, and was basically a glorified missionary. I'm not sure why that warrants a holiday. I get that most Americans will take any day as an excuse to drink (frankly, there's better reasons to get trashed than this dude) and I don't begrudge you that. But maybe we should have some holidays that aren't totally morbid.

Let's check out some of the widely accepted holidays:

New Years Day - Okay, so obviously New Years gets a pass. Celebrating a new year is obvious.
MLK Day - MLK day, while he was great and all, still celebrating a dead dude - half credit for being a productive member of society.
Groundhog Day - Really, I shouldn't have to explain why this is a completely stupid holiday.
Ash Wednesday -  The ashes for Ash Wednesday are considered a reminder of human mortality - totally morbid.
Valentine's Day - St. Valentine was executed this day for being pro marriage, yet another dead guy. I only don't totally hate on this because I'll reluctantly embrace anything that's a celebration of pink.
Presidents' Day - I'm okay with patriotic holidays, even though 95% of these guys are also dead.
Palm Sunday - considered the celebration of Jesus triumphantly entering Jerusalem. Last time I checked, that trip didn't turn out so well for him...
Good Friday - cuz yea, then he died.
Easter Sunday - Too cool for death. Half credit. How bunnies & eggs got involved, I don't even care enough to Google.
Arbor Day - Yay trees! Too bad nobody particularly bothers to celebrate this totally legit, not about death holiday.
Cinco De Mayo - THIS IS NOT MEXICAN INDEPENDANCE DAY. Mexico won an unlikely battle against the French. Good idea in theory, but minus points because people care more about drinking than even knowing what the holiday is about.
Memorial Day - All the dead military folks day.
Flag Day - Cool, we picked a flag. Pass. Even though we also created the army that day, and ya know, that obviously helped facilitate some dying.
4th of July - For the record, our forefathers decided to declare independence from Britian 2 days prior. They just finished writing down why they felt that was okay on the 4th. Also, 3 presidents died that day. Plus the whole war thing involved with that.
Labor Day - Everybody works. Holiday win.
Columbus Day - Dude, he didn't even discover the country. Fail.
Halloween - Festival of the Dead.
Veterans' Day - I'm okay with this. Thanks for serving, guys & gals.
Thanksgiving - White people slaughter indians. Cool, more death.
Christmas - One of the only days we celebrate someone being born, instead of when they kicked.

So here's the thing, maybe the next time we make a holiday, it can be for something positive instead of being like, Oh - that guy was pretty cool, sometimes... when did he die? Okay, that's a great holiday. Maybe we could celebrate more of the birthdays of these people instead. Because really, holidays in general are about celebrating and enjoying life, so it seems awfully ass backwards to have these parties because somebody died. It's like a series of century plus long wakes, just totally doing it wrong. Sure, when I die, I'd rather everybody party instead of mourn - but if you're really trying to celebrate someone's life, maybe try not to fixate on when it ended. Or enjoy your green beer and mild racism and pretend it doesn't matter, your choice.